A while ago I had a poll on WhatsApp and asked people what they would have me write about, someone said self acceptance and if it gets easier as you get older. I thought it was an interesting topic and a needed one but I must have gotten overwhelmed with all the suggestions I got that day and forgot about it but a few days ago I stumbled on a video of Mia Khalifa (Don’t Google her because you will stumble on porn) on Instagram where she spoke about how she got into the porn industry and why. I’ll leave a link down below, the interview really disturbed me.
I found myself shedding tears cause I felt no one should feel like that. I felt I had a responsibility to make sure no young boy or girl around me feels so inadequate that they are then manipulated and extorted in worst possible ways. It also made me see porn in a totally different light. While people watch these people for their own pleasure, they do not realise what most of those watched go through to make these movies. There’s so much dirty business and bad blood involved. It is sad and disheartening, and to think the porn industry is a multi billion dollar industry. Urgh. Clearly you can see how much this stuff bothers me but today I will be talking about the insecurity part of things.
When Mia was asked why she got into porn in the first place, being that she came from a good family and had a solid education and was obviously intelligent, she said
I don’t think low self esteem discriminates against anyone. It doesn’t matter if you come from a great family or if you come from a not so great background. I struggled my entire childhood with weight and I never felt attractive or worthy of male attention….
This is just one of many statements which shows that the major reasons she got into porn was because she felt insecure. And even now I do not see a lot of change in how she sees herself. Of course the mechanism is different and it does not look like insecurity anymore but it’s there and it’s sad. And I don’t know, I just want us to take a minute and pray for Mia cause I feel like she needs it.
Lord Jesus, thank you for Mia Khalifa, thank you because she is wonderfully and fearfully made in your image and likeness, thank you for dying for her sins to give her eternal life. Thank you because in you she is forgiven and accepted and so so loved. We pray that you bring her to the realisation of this soon. That you reveal yourself to her and she finds true peace and joy in Jesus name. Amen.
To answer the initial question on self acceptance and if it gets better with age, no it does not (as I know many grown people that still feel insecure) but I’m glad to inform you that I never feel insecure. Never. I don’t have insecurities. And I was not always like this. I grew up overweight, you can imagine what that was like and even now I am still overweight.
So what changed?
What did I do? Or rather what did God do? The truth is I didn’t know that I didn’t have insecurities anymore. Until I was asked the question, I had never really thought about it. I don’t have every aspect of my life together, but by God’s grace alone, self esteem is not one of the areas that are lacking.
Everything I can tell you is wrapped up in one single thing; my relationship with God.
I didn’t get into a serious relationship with God thinking okay, God take my insecurities away. In fact I didn’t know what to call it. I thought it was normal for fat people to not like themselves since other people didn’t like them, and so it was normal to fall into depression, it was normal to replay the horrible things people said about me and forget all the compliments I receive. I thought that was just life. I was wrong fam. As I began to take my relationship with God deeper, he gave me new eyes, literally new eyes and I began to see myself differently. I fell in love with my body. There’s nothing anybody can tell me. And this is not some kind of blind everytime-lovey-dovey type love. It’s real love, it the kind of love that notices when I’m eating too much, and so I take a one or two week fast and decide to reduce my portions and quit carbonated drinks for sometime. I don’t relish in my flaws in the name of self love if there is something I can do. And I don’t care what people say or think, because at the end of the day anybody can use their mouth to say anything they want. It’s really none of my business and their opinion might be important but it is not, I repeat, it is not necessary. I don’t need it. I don’t live off of what people (or even what I) think of me. I live off what God thinks and focus on that. As much as I would want to take some credit for always keeping my mind on what God says and all that, it really has been the Holy Spirit that has helped me. I told you this wasn’t even a problem I knew I had so I wasn’t even thinking about solving it. It just happened.
As I got close to God, I got centred enough to know who I am. So inasmuch as self love and acceptance is not about age, it’s all about growth in God. Invest in your relationship with God. Don’t try to hashtag self love and all that social media good stuff, it doesn’t work. All those celebrities that tell us these things are the same ones that end up committing suicide and having multiple divorces. So you wonder what happened? Here’s the thing; true deep, committed, real love for who you are comes from God who sees you as you really are in him.
In January, I wrote this on Instagram…
When I started writing this, I had a long list of action points in mind to tell you but as I wrote I realize that this was not a battle that I consciously fought, it was one that God fought and won for me so I want you to also trust God with your heart and let him love you to wholeness and your true identity. I might not know everyone that will read this article but I want you to know that my heart burns with red hot love for you and even moreso does God’s heart burn for you. He loves you endlessly. No matter what.
If you’ve never let God into your life, now is a good time to do it. Just talk to him. I don’t need to give you the words.
If you already have Jesus in your life but you know that you don’t take him seriously, now is a good time to renew your vows. I don’t need to give you words either, look into the eyes of your beloved and speak your mind.
Till next time
Grace & Peace my people.