This, is what I want to consider a proper review. Then I thought, why do we bother? Why do we do reviews? Reflect? Celebrate new years? Celebrate end of the year? All that, why is it such a big deal that one day passes and another begins and coincidentally it happens to be January 1st? Probably as mortal beings we like the idea of endings, and yes, beginnings too. The idea that there’s a another chance, there’s newness. But I keep thinking aren’t we attaching that crave for hope with something as fickle and unruly as time? Isn’t it all an illusion? But that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what we attach it to, as long as we have hope, we assume we are fine, or at least will be fine.
Over the past week I have been obsessing over deleting this blog. This is very hard for me to admit, because it’s a public show of weakness and some people might misunderstand that as an appeal for attention. It isn’t. I don’t need reasons to convince me not to end the blog because I’m not planning on deleting anymore. I’m saying this because I want to show you a glimpse of how imperfect I am as a person, and how sometimes I can be irrational and yes, considerably weak. My friend Victor, educated me on a word or a phobia known as Dishabiliophobia. This is the fear of undressing in front of another. The fear of being vulnerable and everybody has this fear to some extent, and for good reasons too. People can be mean, and take advantage but if you want to truly help another person and be helped or loved deeply, honesty and vulnerability are not only important, they are essential. That’s why writing is kinda hard, if you wanna do it well, there’s always a degree (not matter how little) of exposure involved and I will say that I find that scary.
It would be nice of me to highlight my year and tell you all the good stuff and you’ll go around thinking oh my, the geh is awesome. No, I’m awesome, there’s not a speck of doubt about that but I don’t want you thinking I’m awesome for all the wrong reasons. I want you to see me in the only true awesomeness I have within me, Jesus.
I read a lot of books this year from fiction to non fiction, Christian to non Christian, all sort of books and articles about all sort of things. When you read like that, you’ll see how much power a writer can possess by mere jamming together of words and how bold and ruthless too, even if what they are jamming together is wrong and fractured, a writer can scale through that with a proper display of raw talent. It is almost as though, we are gods, sort of, allow me to say that. We have a lot of writers, crazily talented beings, but we don’t have a lot of truthful writers but then again I’ll like to think maybe they think the truth is subjective and not already set in stone. Someone once said that the Truth is Truth even if no one believes it and art should always take a back seat to truth. I don’t think everyone knows this, better still, accepts it. But then, art is a form of expression, you don’t always have to be right to express yourself, this would have been okay if other people don’t take your self-expression so seriously.
Anyway, I intended to be one that will always speak truth as I find it and also be open to correction and the admission that I might be wrong sometimes, that is, don’t take my word for it. This is my first time living life too. This year I got closer to that, and I’ve had lows, lowly lows, where they was no glory in it and I have been discouraged, insecure, depressed and exhausted but still like air, I rise. I will always rise. That’s the beauty of hope. Rising.
Enough of my rambling tho.
I started 2015 with excitement, I was finally getting into med school, which I had lost all hope of getting into this year but God turned it. I was wild with joy and the awareness of God’s mighty love for me personally. It was going to be a good year, and it was mostly.
I met so many people in school. I was kind, friendly. I found myself being funny and oh so lonely. This was a lonely year for me. I was on my own through most of it but I got to learn myself, enjoy my own space. Settle somethings, get to know God more. As much as I want to say it was fun, it was also hard and sometimes I really hated it.
I struggled with finding a church in school because I would always wrestle within my spirit on things being preached and all that. At a point I lost enthusiasm for church, I’ll prefer to stay home and sleep in. Tho, community is important, I wasn’t able to flow very well in one but my one on one relationship with God grew well this year. I truly enjoyed believing God for money, for healing, for protection, for studying and for wholeness in Him. Most times I tell God when I want to wake up and he wakes me up. The first time this happened I was shocked to my shoes, I wanted to read before I went class and I just said it carelessly “please wake me by 4” and like play, I woke up exactly four. Crazy. So since then, God has been my personal alarm. Lol, like he wasn’t before, like I was the one waking myself up before. We like to over glorify ourselves sometimes.
There was a time robbers + rapists were raiding the school and it was really bad, there was a curfew in school. It lasted over a month. SUG said the penalty for the hoodlums would be death, yes, that bad, but they never came to my hostel through out their raids, and I’m sure it’s because of me, God loves me so.
I started this blog this year and I have loved the ride so far. I have met amazing people, people I really like, Tomiwa, Ada, Tola, Yemie, Tony, Yomi, Eunice, Rhoda, so many lovely people, made the year the more colourful.
I’m thankful for the few friends I have, the ones I have known forever, the ones I just met, I’m thankful. And my family. Oh my family is another blog post entirely.
I’m thankful for John Piper, for CS Lewis, for lecrae, for Jackie Hill Perry, for Matt Chandler, Paul Washer, Carl Lentz, Joseph Prince, Joe Solomon, J Givenz, John Givenz, Propangada, Preston Perry, Ezekiel, Taiya Selasi, Sefi Atta, Tolu Akinyemi, Dami Ajayi, Jeff Bethke, for all the good people that blessed me with a book, an article, a sermon, a poem, music. 2015 rocked because of ‘em.
I’ve learnt there’s nothing wrong with being broken, it’s how the light get in. I’m happy for 2016, not because I have any special plans but because I’m loving this thing called life. I’m loving the process of it all. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad as long as Christ is within me, the hope of glory, Ama Rise and keep Rising and keep keeping on because that how I do.
If your year wasn’t as good as you wanted it guess what? It’s all good because all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose. It only gets better, even if it looks like it’s getting worse, it will be good in the end. It’s a promise. So smile because your hope is not in time or new year or Christmas or Santa Claus. Your hope is in the author of time, and life!
What was it Amanda Cook said again.. “you have caused my feet to dance upon disappointments”
Listen, I’m not whining you, this thing is real, if you reach out your hand enough, you could touch it. It is real. Only good is before you, only good is behind you, only good can come near you. This is hope. You are fine. You will be fine. 2016 will be fine. You don’t have to pretend that you are happy if you are not, but believe that the future has stardust all over it and I tell you, you will be happy eventually. The kind of happy that doesn’t go away, even if it doesn’t always show on your face, because then hope will become a fountain in you belly, overflowing with joy and you will find yourself dancing upon disappointments, in thin air.